The Storms Have SubsidedSorry I disappeared. The storms subsided. After counting my meds, I realized that I had been hoarding haphazardly - 5mg of Lex today, 10 tomorrow, 1 lithum in the morning, 1in the afternoon one, two each the next day...fuck around like that long enough and things begin to get out of control, but the changes are so subtle (at first) that you don´t really notice...
the funny thing about it (it´s not funny) is that you start doing it because you want to save yourself from running out and getting all messed up - and then you´re messed up. Funny, sad, not funny haha.
I was dreaming in my sadness that I was ALL ALONE in the world - not that no one would ever understand me, but that no one woul love me, that my parents were going to die and then no one would care at all, that someday I was going to be all alone AND crazy and that no one would like me enough to check in with me and make sure I was okay. I have been in that place before, and it´s damn near the scariest place on earth and it´s always a wonder I get out of it without attempting suicide.
This time around (synchronicity) I was damn near crying in this cafe near the beach when I saw this big strapping fellow named Daniel with his obscenely gorgeous girlfriend at another table. I waved, then walked over to say hello, more out of politeness. Daniel speaks fluent Spanish (in addition to be able to CLIMB palm trees and gather coconuts) and asked Como estas? I said, "You want the formal polite answer (Muy bien) or do you want the truth?" He said the polite answer would be fine and I said,¨"Muy bien,¨and went back to my table.
he was over in a minute, alone, wanting to know if we wanted to join them. Then I really burst into tears, because I knew that if he knew how rotten I felt inside he wouldn´t want me anywhere near him. I told him I was feeling awful and that I was a manic-depressive -
and he said,¨"Well, then you should definitely sit with us, because I´m bipolar too. Are you having trouble getting your meds here? Because SO AM I."
At this point, I am officially out of Lexapro, but (synchronicity) a girl I went to high school with fifteen years ago is HERE, in this little town on the west coast, and it turns out she´s a Lexapro taker too. She gave me a four-day supply because I *thought* my meds were incoming yesterday from the states - turns out the woman who was to bring them may not be here until next week. Daniel found out that the drugs we want are available here - Wellbutrin, Neurontin, Lexapro, Zyprexa - but that LITHIUM (the most benign substance unless it helps you) is considered a "controlled substance" in Mexico and requires a prescription - but he found a friendly doctor that will write us scripts for 200 pesos ($20) apiece.
I have been taking the proper meds since Monday, and was fine until last night I got stood up on a date with a Mexican girl and I felt the loneliness and fear begin to roll out again, and though I was well-medicated I drank a few Mezcals and beers to choke it down. This morning, at 8am my friend with the Lexapro came for our surfdate and I forgot to drop the pills before I left - I also forgot the keys to my house so when I got out of class later in the day, I couldn´t get in to take the Lithium, having taken the Lexapro in the morning at her place.
Am I boring you yet? Fuck. I long for the day when they can just hand you a patch or get you a NorPlant style shot once every five years for this shit...