Thursday, November 01, 2007

Hating Being Manic - Depressive
On Day of the Dead

I hate this illness. Today...I feel like such shit. Last night was Halloween and at some point I realized that I was without spirituality in my life, as if the goddess had left me, as if the magical thinking I'd come to rely on before was now buried in a pile of meds that *still* don't provide me with a sense of life purpose. I feel like I've lost my life purpose. Like I'm just going through the motions of being alive. Like I'm alive and wasting time. Like I'm trying to do and be and nothing's there.

I don't have to work, you know. Social security takes care of my basic needs, and sometimes that feels like a scam but today it feels necessary and also like a prison sentence. I try to write stuff everyday...i'm working on a project, but I don't have work with deadlines and that makes me feel like I just have these huge swaths of time to fill with nothing in particular. I wish I had other skills. I wish I made stuff. I wish I was carving a stone or a piece of wood but I know nothing about that stuff. Everything I make looks terrible anyway.

1 Comments:

At 11:21 AM, Blogger Thee Mike Brown said...

there's always time to learn new things. your smart and young and capable of learning those things, and you have creative spirit to spare. of course, if you have to just lay around in bed for a while there's no shame in doing it. i did that for like two years after my mom died. there's only so much the meds are gonna do. your existential dilemma is still essentially yours and not the ama's. but you've got spirit to spare, i've witnessed it. keep on onkeeping, dude.

 

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