Sunday, November 25, 2007

I am the Very Model of a PsychoPharmacologist

Monday, November 19, 2007

Don't get Mad - Get Even

Hee hee - Did I mention I started a new blog today?

Friday, November 16, 2007

Adderall, Modafanil & Bipolarity

So lately I've been thinking about trying to get my doctor to prescribe me with some kind of pharmaceutical stimulant. I've been really down lately, not "depressed" per se but feeling like I lack the kind of motivation it takes to be a person living with Bipolar 2 disorder, without a formal job, working at home, and having to get every day and MAKE IT UP, since that's what freelancers do.

I have found through street experimentation with modafinal and adderall that both give me the increased "edge" I feel like I need to get through the day and be productive. The problems with this is:

a) both of these probably have addictive side effects;

b) they are mostly prescribed for either ADHD (Adderall) or Narcolepsy (Modafinal) and I am not prescribed with either condition.

Part A is what worries me most - and probably would worry my doctor - is that I have a pre-existing predilection for street stimulants. "Speed" has always scared me for being too harsh, but I like cocaine for its ability to make me feel "normal" and "okay", and of course I like Ecstacy but it's impossible to be productive on, per se. I would prefer to be playing around with either of these under a doctor's care, rather than:

a) getting the pills off the street, which is difficult and dicey

b) using more cocaine than I should. (More than you should? Most cocaine is "more than you should" - what I mean is going to buy cocaine with the succinct idea that you need it to "feel okay" rather than to do a line at a party with some friends to get a little lift. These are different behaviours, obviously, fed by differing motivations and outcomes.)

I have tried both modafanil (aka "ProVigil") and Adderall. Modafanil is very ...light is a good way to describe it, but gives sufficient lift for really odious chores like laundry or cleaning the house, both of which have always fallen short in the motivation category for me. Adderall is sorta like being shot out of a cannon, but I've only taken a 20mg and a 30mg XLR and both kept me up all night - not so great if the desired outcome is "productivity."

By productivity, I mean, by the way - I get inspired a lot but often lack follow through, particularly on big projects. I would like this not to be the case - it's depressing enough to be poor and have no real job. If I have grand artistic projects to justify my impoverished existence, I end up feeling a lot better about myself.

I have a feeling my doctor is going to tell me - no way, jose and I'm going to have to fire him and find another doctor. Which is a sucky process, all in all. I really just want some help getting through this winter - already it's feeling like a lulu.

Med check: I am currently on 1200mg lithium (mood stabilizer) 5mg Abilify (mood stabilizer) and 10mg lexapro (anti-depressant.) Can someone help me with the math on an additional dosage of either Modafanil or Adderall for Bipolar 2s? Is this a completely insane proposition on my part, owing more to my addictive personality for stimulants rather than a real sincere attempt at greater wellness?

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

A Bipolar Blog Ring

Remind me

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Hating Being Manic - Depressive
On Day of the Dead

I hate this illness. Today...I feel like such shit. Last night was Halloween and at some point I realized that I was without spirituality in my life, as if the goddess had left me, as if the magical thinking I'd come to rely on before was now buried in a pile of meds that *still* don't provide me with a sense of life purpose. I feel like I've lost my life purpose. Like I'm just going through the motions of being alive. Like I'm alive and wasting time. Like I'm trying to do and be and nothing's there.

I don't have to work, you know. Social security takes care of my basic needs, and sometimes that feels like a scam but today it feels necessary and also like a prison sentence. I try to write stuff everyday...i'm working on a project, but I don't have work with deadlines and that makes me feel like I just have these huge swaths of time to fill with nothing in particular. I wish I had other skills. I wish I made stuff. I wish I was carving a stone or a piece of wood but I know nothing about that stuff. Everything I make looks terrible anyway.