Thursday, February 08, 2007

Situations, Bio-chemistry, and Trauma

So i spent the day under sedation on Zyprexa. I hate neuroleptics - sure, they tamp down the emotions, which makes it easier to think straight, but I can feel them all in there and it just isn't fair because I want them GONE. Dealt with, changed around, transformed. I want them to just not be so intense or something.

It must be winter if I'm spending more time writing here than elsewhere. I went months without a post in here, but I have to talk about this, write it out, because maybe I can get help for it for real this time.

This cycle began over the weekend - the previous week it might have been there also, because I was fixed on getting rid of my girlfriend. I even told my shrink I was going to dump her - and then I just had a change of heart. We were fighting and we just started ...I don't know, loving each other again. She really is a good person, and I have to try and make it okay for her to love me and vice-versa. I know longer no about the "marriage" bit - the very word seems to place all these expectations on myself that I really want to fulfill, but feel so overwhelmed by the world to do so.

In any case - Saturday put her back at work, and I suddenly felt like I wanted a fresh start. My office was and had been a total mess for months - stuff piled up and such - and I just decided to get some coffee on and just burrow away into my office and clean. Place papers in their place or in the burn pile. Mess with my CDs...just generally clear out clutter to make way for something new.

I felt restless doing it - I wouldn't have been able to tell you I felt manic, but by the evening, I knew I did, because when Lauren came home, she proceeded to re-arrange our living room furniture. She asked me what I thought of it as I finally let myself stop working and went into the living room to watch a movie with her. i said i didn't like it, but not to move it around again because I just wanted to sit and watch the movie. She insisted, and I flew off the handle and ran into the guest room shouting, basically upset because I just wanted to sit and I was completely exhausted.

I slept in the guest room that night (something I do a lot when I feel crazy because I sleep better alone) and woke up the next day feeling sorta sheepish and apologetic to her. Knowing that I was manic, I decided I'd try to do all the right things that day - I took a shower first thing, then had my meds. I went to the Baking Co. and had a real breakfast. I wrote in my journal, then got an iced coffee to go and went back to finish up office things. I decided at 4pm I'd go to the gym and exercise. Once at the gym, I noticed I was wearing my rings, and carefully took them off so i wouldn't lose them in the pool, and put them in my pants pocket before I changed into my sweat pants. I made a mental note that I needed to wash all my gym stuff, then went and worked out.

Later, at the house, I tidied up the last bit of my office, placing all the loose papers that I couldn't deal with on the counter, and then Lauren came home. I was glued to the screen, totally pre-occupied and feeling content. She asked me a question and I felt agitated. (She might've said Hello for all I remember) and I realized I didn't have my rings on. I dug into my pocket and only found one ring - the one I liked least - and realized the other one was gone and I just got mad. Really mad.

"Fine, I try to do all the right shit and clean my stupid fucking office and try to make sure my rings are safe and OF COURSE the one I really like DIS-A-FUCKING-PEARS." Jesus, I was so angry, so fast, I felt tricked and mocked like I always do when something I like just goes away, and I swept all the stuff on the counter off to the floor, just saying, "FINE. Far be it for me to try to do the right thing, I'll just get pissed on in the end no matter what I do."

I was SOOOOO ANGRY about that ring. Just livid. And I tried to forget about it but I just couldn't, it made me feel so fucking mad inside that I'd even bothered to try and pull things together when it would all just get torn apart in the end.

Days have passed and I'm still really angry. Losing something has been a trigger for years - but this one *wasn't* a question of being careless. This was a question of being thoughtful about it and losing it anyway, and it sucked in that way.

Next: Part Two


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