Sunday, January 29, 2006

The Truth Hurts

For the past few days, my mind has been a whirl of shit, a creeping mania that has taken me through all the usual cycles including absurdly risky behaviour that resulted (of course) in a dangerous situation that the sane can only shake their heads in disbelief. It happens to us, you know, when existential need drives one off the edge of reasonable action into a nether-nether land of go, go, go, go, go until the need is satisfied.

For the past two days I have been as close to the edge as I ever want to be - it had been awhile since I felt FULLY suicidal, the kind of pain and hurt inside that makes you feel like you are simply dissolving, simply ceasing to be, so alone and lost and adrift that the Internet is a poor substitute for human contact. I broke free. I spoke my truth to a stranger, an AA rep right here in the middle of the tropics, and that glimmer of hope was the beginning of a crack in the darkness....

Soon after I discovered a fellow traveler who is also a patient, also struggling with the issue of finding 1st world drugs in a 3rd world Paradise. We went out as I shivered with my bottle of water, afraid to take any wrong turn that might lead to my heartbreak, and I spent most of today still shivering, desperate to leave this fantasy world, desperate to leap on a plane before the deep depressive obsession of loneliness and aloneness threatened to take me to the depths of hell.

Think I´m kidding? Think I´m being melodramatic? Guess again. The swirl and the swirl and the swirl and swirl continued all day as I struggled with a level of discomfort that I thought I´d left far behind...and tonight, there was a cut through to the clarity that I thought I´d never see again.

I´ve been skimping on meds. There, I said it. Before I left the states, I ordered a month´s worth and they gave me fifteen days of Lexapro. Why? I don´t know. I´ve been getting 15 20mgs pills for two years every month - just for shits and grins, Walgreen´s thought it would be a swell idea to give me 15 ***10mg*** tablets just before I got on a plane to Mexico. MOTHERFUCKERS. So instead of getting 10mg a day, I´ve been taking 5mg, or just skipping my doses altogether to make it last until Wednesday, when the new shipment arrives courtesy of a friend´s mother who happens to be flying into Puerto.

FUCK WALGREEN´S. Costco Pharmacy, here I come. I´ve heard they´re cheaper anyway, but that isn´t really the point now, is it? I just wanted to make it last...


Post a Comment

<< Home