Thursday, March 16, 2006

How I Feel Today:
Special Podcast Enclosed!

My Other Life is Near

This morning I woke up for the second day in a row feeling suicidal. It always seems so ludicrous to say that, but when it's real, it's real, and I had been doing so well up until now, it's seems like it's easily been a year since this happened. As I explained to one person, "Okay, I'm not really suicidal, because that means you want to kill youself. But I definitely don't want to live anymore."

It never lasts. It always goes away. My shrink tells me that. My best friends, Erik & Gentry, always remind me that it'll go away. Feeling suicidal, though, isn't like a black mood - it's like an actual sickness in and of itself, where you feel unfocused and pointless and unhappy and it just seems like staying alive is going to be so painful that you might as well off yourself, and if you can't pull that off, then just SLEEP somewhere. I've slept a bunch in the past two days because I can't imagine dealing with anything. And generally speaking, this crap hits when I have a LOT to do.

This morning, when I woke up and didn't want to live anymore, I was settling into that thought when I thought of my friend Gentry, who two years ago tomorrow lost one of his best friend's to suicide. I met that guy, DJ, once or twice, and saw him play a mean sax with Gentry's band The Night Watchmen. But I knew him more through Gentry's letters and phone calls about this fantastic collaborative relationship he had making music with him, and the suicide ripped him to shit. And I begrudgingly realized that as long as I had friends (so many friends) who care about me and like having me around even when I'm miserably sad, I couldn't off myself even if I thought it might make me feel better.

The last song DJ ever wrote is called "My Other Life" and was recorded by Gentry for his solo album "Home." After the funeral, the bereaved wife freaked and sued Gentry and he had to take it off the album. I had an early release and it's one of my favorite Gentry Bronson cuts. You can download it here - I've been listening to it all day.

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