Triggered Again...tonight...trigger was getting an email from my building manager that i had a three-day eviction notice - I called the landlord and he told me he hadn't received rent. I lied and said I'd sent it, but the truth was that I hadn't been able to find my checks to write the rent check with, and since I've been on this (more or less successful) kick to not flip my shit over lost things, I decided not to flip and just forgot about it - but didn't write the check.
Tonight, I decided that the right thing to do was to drive from Santa Fe to Albuquerque to go to my apartment, get the checks, write one, hand it into the building manager with an apology, and come back to Santa Fe for my Sunday and Monday meetings. I remembered seeing my checks (because after all, who uses them anymore?) right after I got home from Mexico on a counter in the kitchen - and I also remembered putting them aside "somewhere" so I would remember them later.
I came home, couldn't find the checks, and went completely ballistic - a part of my ballistic side is a BIG healthy chunk of paranoia, which is always more or less in the background with most people, I'd imagine, but which rises front and center with me. The theme of this on was, "I can never do the right thing because really stupid obstacles are always in my way," and that dovetails nicely with all of the strange incidences of betrayal I've experienced in the past few years (predominantly with women.)
the interesting thing about that triggered time is this: while it's often *very* agitated and uncomfortable (literally feeling like the head is going to explode if the mouth cannot, for which telelphone is best for concentrated ranting) There is a surge of ...liquid electricity is the best description I can offer, which creates the ability to connect all these loose strands together into a cohesive totality. Because I'm fairly articulate, when it's going down, I come up with these pretty lucid stories, essay subjects, ideas, etc - for years, I would bet even money that most of my really good ideas to write about came during these moments.
Incidentally - I really feel like, in the past few years, as I've really tried (not my best, but better than before) to control my shit, my writing has suffered - of course, the stuff I do produce is often of superior quality - it's just not as inspired or self-righteous or crazy, (which, as anyone whose ever spent time on a listserv with me, can be quite entertaining.)