Friday, February 09, 2007

Situations, Bio-Chemistry, & Trauma, Part Two

It's close to 2am - I slept all day on Zyprexa and of course, I'm restless now.

I just found out I got fired from a gig - good riddance to it. Early on in the situation, I screwed up a bit, pissed some people off for "speaking out of turn" (in a manner of speaking) and I could never stop feeling resentful about it. Obsessive grudge shit. That oughta be a warning sign for me - I spent hours burning up phone lines talking to people about it - I just couldn't shake how weird it made me feel to be reprimanded for something so petty. I still did the work as best as I could - and they fired me as soon as the work was turned into one of our "clients."

I should be really upset about it, but after the last few days, I'm so bogged down with having been upset over stupid things, I haven't got the time to care. In fact, it was worry over this dumb-fucking client that got me so worked up on Wednesday - let's call it Black Wednesday just for fun.

After I tore my office up on Sunday night, I seemed to calm down. The ring thing still had me upset, sure, but I was able to put the feelings down...until Wednesday. I had some things to turn in for the client, and I was at the computer by ten, only to discover that my lame boss had changed all the titles of the files were working with, so 1) I didn't know what they were without opening them, and 2) I had to re-name them so I'd know in the future. It just made me mad, because it made what should've been "easy" into a terrible chore. I was cursing her in my head, and getting more frustrated, and then I looked at the clock and saw I had about forty-five minutes to get them to the client. And I had to print and my printer is notoriously slow.

I put all the files in queue and then I made myself play a game to calm down. I was feeling okay, and I put the packet together and got dressed and was ready to go out the door - feeling like I was running late already - and I couldn't find my fucking keys. Goddamn, I just hate the things - whenever I feel frenzied it's the first thing I can't find. So I went in search, cursing the day I was born, feeling like I had so many loose odds and ends in my life, feeling like I was running ragged, and I got angrier and angrier, at the keys, at the dumb client, at all the little projects I was working on and how everything felt like it was at loose ends all the fucking time...

I WAS SOON SO ANGRY. Really, angry, and I knew I felt like breaking something. And I did.

I grabbed the dresser in the middle of the hallway (a bookshelf actually,) and just flipped it. I felt like the Incredible Hulk and then it hit this mirror in the living room and it shattered. I cared but I didn't care - I wanted my fucking keys and I wanted to just Get the Fuck Out and GO ON to my stupid meeting so it would be done with.

I dropped off the stuff in a haze, my left side tingling as it is now, and I went to lunch with a friend - there, I was all a flutter of worry about my Stupid Client. The *work* was so easy and manageable, but because of my screw-up I'd gotten an earful of the politics of the situation and it just scared me. It had _really_ scared me. And I felt the tingle of everything and I just wanted to Drink Beer. I had two with Dan and a couple more after he'd left, sitting at the bar, talking to this old guy about back in the day stuff, and then I headed to my next scheduled meeting - with my shrink.

In the back of my mind I was thinking about what my G-F was going to do when she saw what I'd done, and I was thinking that I'd go to the house and make dinner and clean the livingroom and sweep up all the glass before she saw it. I was an Angry Motherfucker in my shrink's office - I really was upset, and I told him something had to happen with all this shit, that I just couldn't take it anymore.

And then came the coup de grace - I went to the fucking grocery store and got all the stuff I needed - and no fucking credit card. Gone. Poof. Just DISAFUCKINGPEARED. All day long, for days in fact, I'd tried to hold it together, but things just KEPT BEING MISSING LIKE LITTLE BITCHES. Fuck, I was so angry walking out of that store emtpy-handed. Just Real Honest-to-GOD FUCKING PISSED. I couldn't win. I couldn't make anything work right.

Makes me mad just to think about it - see, sometimes, I look back on this stuff and I can't figure out why I was so mad, but the past few days - fuck, I'm still so angry about the ring. Found the keys. Ordered a new AMEX card but I'm STILL SO FUCKING ANGRY it was missing in the first place, that all of it was missing, just when I needed it most.


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